The body positivity movement began as pushback against unrealistic beauty standards fed in part by photo editing. In the end, the models photographed couldn’t even meet the standards set by their altered images.
That pressure coming from mass and social media is bad enough, but what if it also comes from home?
A daughter dealing with her mother’s fatphobia turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
“AITA for telling mom I will buy my own dress after she called me fat?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (19, female) have a wedding to attend that is of some friends of my boyfriend. My mom (51, female) offered to help me get ready.”
“For context: my mom is gorgeous. She used to model, she has always been incredibly beautiful and she has an awesome body.”
“My two brothers (33 and 31, males) take after her, and are both handsome men. I am the only daughter, and as such, I think she expected someone like her.”
“I am not like her. I was very thin when I was a kid, but I was a tomboy and hated everything feminine. Then puberty hit, and I gained a lot of weight.”
“I’m not obese, but I am your average chubby person. 77kg at 165cm (170lbs at 5’2″): overweight but not overly so, I guess. Also, I don’t look a lot after myself in the sense that I don’t really go out of my way to do skincare, makeup, etc…”
“I love my mom, and she does truly love me, but she isn’t a kind person. All through my teenage years, she made a lot of harsh comments about my appearence and my weight.”
“I’m a sensitive person, so this used to affect me a lot. I can usually take criticism fairly enough if it’s phrased nicely, but I can’t take it if there’s even a hint of mockery or meanness in it.”
“Anyway, it’s not that big of a deal now. Years back I was honest with mom that her comments really affected my self esteem and she seemed to tone it down.”
“Occasionally she will still do it, but not often. She just can’t help herself. I think, it’s her way of showing love, but it makes me hate myself.”
“When I’m next to her she will scan my face for pimples and if she finds one she will actively ignore me to pop them. If I struggle or try to bat her hands away she gets extremely mad, and either holds my hands or yells at me to let her finish.”
“I will be doing something alone and she will come over to comment that my hair looks bad and I need to use this different product. I will be walking and she will comment that my belly is large and I should go to the gym.”
“Things like that. I know they aren’t bad, but I can’t take it.”
“My culture is very centered around specifically women’s bodies, so I understand why she is this way. I’m not particularly worried about my body, I usually actually feel pretty except when my mom comments on it.”
“It would be cool to get more fit which is why I go to the gym, but I would prefer that any ‘improvement’ come from me working hard and genuinely seeking a goal for my own happiness than from my mom shaming me into not eating.”
“I eat somewhat healthily, but I have been considering going to a nutrionist to see if I can improve my diet without being extreme for a while now. I lose weight, but not very quickly and not a lot. I have lost like 3 kgs (6.6 lbs) over the last three months, I think.”
“To the situation at hand: she was giving me dresses to use for the wedding. We have always shared dresses, so this isn’t new.”
“One of the dresses she lent me was one that she used two years ago at my graduation. I put it on, and it was pretty tight.”
“Her and my aunt tried to force it to close, but it was struggling. I said that they should stop, but they continued to force it and the zipper basically broke down completely.”
“When it happened, my mom blurted out, ‘Wow, you really are fat’. My aunt bursted out laughing and started teasing me about being chubby. I just kept silent.”
“We tried on a few more dresses, I chose a pretty one that fit well and was elastic, and that was that.”
“Then, afterwards, my mom asked me if I really had been going to the gym and said that I would have to suck in my belly during the wedding so it didn’t show so much in the dress I picked.”
“I got fed up and told her that I was sick of her comments, and would buy my own dress to go.”
“Mom thinks I blew up at her for nothing and am about to spend money over a tantrum. My siblings think I’m being dramatic and that I’m just mad I’m fat.”
“Dad and mom are divorced, I live half of the time with dad and half of the time with mom. Dad thinks that’s just how mom is.”
“My friends and boyfriend think I’m right.”
“AITA?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I told mom I would buy my own dress. She truly meant well and was doing a nice thing for me.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. You are an adult now. You have mistakenly convinced yourself that you set a boundary and that ‘toning it down’ was good enough.”
“Boundaries aren’t ‘cross my line less’. Boundaries are ‘don’t cross my line at all ever’.”
“You need to make that clear. Years back you negotiated your boundary as a child. It’s time to do it again, as an adult.” ~ Thortok2000
“I love that your friends and boyfriend are supportive. I hate that you have conditioned yourself to downplay what your mom has done to you throughout your life. NTA.”
“You’re right, your family is wrong, they are horrible to you. A dress that is size-appropriate would look better than any hand-me-downs from your mom.”
“Good luck and have fun at the wedding!” ~ MaleficentProgram997
“NTA and, plus, I don’t see you deciding to buy your own dress as a tantrum, I see it as you taking a stand to be an independent adult woman. The way you talk about spending money plus your age leads me to belief you have very little money of your own.”
“So if you take what little money you have and spend it on your own dress, then you will be showing her that you are willing to make a significant financial sacrifice in order to not be disrespected while getting a dress, which means being respected is very important to you.”
“If she’s intelligent and has morals she will recognize that and hopefully change her ways.” ~ Birvin7358
“NTA, if you want to be petty, start calling her old. People like that hate to be reminded that they’ll age.” ~ negligiblespecies
“NTA. Your mom is not just mean, but insecure. She likely is trying to compete with you (intentionally or not) and feeling jealous, because you will always have something she doesn’t: you’re significantly younger than her.”
“In her mind, she almost always hears that tagline ‘for her age’ whenever someone calls her beautiful. While I don’t believe that ageist garbage, shallow people like her almost always do.”
“So she likely feels compelled to point out your flaws to make herself feel better, because her own happiness and self-esteem are worth more to her than the side effect of hurting you.”
“Plus, keeping your self-esteem low makes you less of a competitor in her eyes. My own background and relationship with my mom are very similar, so these are just conclusions I’ve reached over the years.” ~ Mobile_Following_198
“NTA. Your mom is the a**hole. I admire how you are trying to forgive her for saying and doing those things but they’re really not okay and horrible to say or do to your daughter.” ~ caibella
“Your mother is actively bullying you. There is no way in hell that any of these comments are meant with love or have good intentions. NTA.” ~ exnerate
“NTA. I’m sure your mom does love you, but the amount of criticism and mockery you’ve been receiving from your family, especially her, is verbal abuse.”
“Don’t accept that, hun. They should learn to love you as you are, not expect you to be something you’re not.” ~ MamaE25
“OP, I understand how you feel. My mother was the same. NTA.”
“This is what I said to her: ‘Please stop commenting on my weight and trying to bring me down. My value and worth do not go up and down based on what I weigh. I am sorry if yours does, but I am not you’.” ~ JoneseyP98
“NTA. The axe forgets the swing, but the tree remembers. To her, this was you blowing up over nothing.”
“In reality, this was just the last straw after years of comments and behaviours like this, and a good mom wouldn’t be doing things like this.”
“I’m sorry you’re dealing with this situation, your boyfriend is right, and I hope you find an outfit you love for the wedding.” ~ GeekyBibliophile
The OP provided a minor update.
“Yeah, it’s just kind of hard to set hard boundaries when it comes to parents.”
“I’ll try. It’s hard but I think I’ll have to set boundaries before she continues to hurt me.”
At least the OP has a plan going forward.
